Well, at this point, most of us have been trapped in our homes for about three weeks. And, it looks like we will still be in our homes for some time to come.
Sadly, since the COVID-19 captivity has begun, there has been a spike in calls to divorce lawyers. That is not okay. As Catholics, we have an obligation to keep our marriages healthy, and dating can definitely be a big part of that.
Caveat: if you are currently in a situation where you or your kids are in danger, dating is not the answer. Get help here
So, with that in mind, my wife and I have been trying to be consistent with going on dates. The big difference is now we are just doing that at home. Which, admittedly, takes some planning. So, here is a quick, Everyday Catholic Guide to Dating in Captivity. (Feel free to leave any helpful tips or comments of your own in the comments.)
Hire a Babysitter/Get the littles to Bed On Time.
(If you do not have kids, you can skip to the next subtitle.)
Our situation is a little different than most because we have teens and a toddler. If we just had our older four kids, then having an at-home date would be relatively simple. Just put a movie on for the bigs, or announce free screen time for the remainder of the evening, and we would be unbothered for the rest of the night. But, with little guys, it is more challenging. The toddler can not be left to his own devices. He and the four-year-old are a dynamic force of destruction and chaos. As such, they need to be attended too. The plan is simple. Either a) Get one of the bigs to babysit, b) put the younger guys to bed, or c) a hybrid of both.
The teen babysitter route also takes some planning and negotiation. Siblings can be wonderful babysitters. . . if they are on board. If they are not, well, Turkish prison guards are more pleasant than a sibling babysitter who feels like they are being punished by watching the littles.
That arrangement usually results in tears and parent intervention. So, letting everyone know the plan, long before the actual date, and negotiating some form of compensation, helps a lot. Now, you might be thinking, "My parents never paid me to watch my siblings." And we don't always pay our kids either. When we do, we definitely don't pay the market rate. But it is an excellent way to say, "Hey, thanks for helping. We appreciate it." And everyone likes to be appreciated.
If you do not have older kids, then early bedtime is your friend. That, however, takes planning. It means early dinner and early baths. But it can be done! And your relationship with your spouse is worth it.
One warning. Over the last sixteen years, I have come to realize that my kids have a sixth sense that can detect when it is vital they go to bed on time. They just know. And for some reason, they are then compelled to do everything in their power to fight against going to bed. I do not understand why this is. But I do know that it is something that must be accounted for.
So, get the kiddos to bed early. Don't rush. Give the bath, read the stories, play white noise to help them settle in. Don't get frustrated. Then, once they are in bed, and safely free from danger. . . ignore them.
Within reason, of course.
I mentioned white-noise. We have a toddler with the ears of a bat. He refuses to go to sleep until he hears his two closest siblings have stopped having fun. He listens for the TV downstairs and comments on what is being watched. He answers questions that are asked of other kids, who are a floor below him. Or, I should say, he used to. Lately, I have been playing white noise (technically, it is brown noise) upstairs when we put the little monst--, ahem, angel to bed. And, the effects have been pretty dramatic. The nights we play the white noise, he settles down faster. Six kids deep, I am still picking up tricks.
Once the Kids Are In Bed. . .
Okay, admittedly, that subtitle sounds like the title of a romance novel or murder mystery. Let's just acknowledge it and move on.
Once the kids are in bed, Date night can begin. Now, after close to a month of self-isolation, most of us are looking pretty comfortable.
That is not meant as a compliment.
Sweat pants are great for sitting around the house, but if you were trying to impress someone on a date, there is a good chance those comfy clothes would not make the outfit. So, while we date in captivity, it is okay to get dressed up to go out. But before we get too far into that, let's consider themes.
Where are You Going to Go?
What are you doing on your date? Going out to dinner? Going to the movies? Maybe playing a round of mini-golf or bowling? What about a trip to the beach? You could even go dancing or out to a bar. All of that is possible in your home. It just takes a little planning and creativity.
Beach Day: Hitting the beach might mean setting up a space heater in your room. Laying a couple of blankets on the floor and playing a "tropical beach Ambience" video off of Youtube on the TV. Set up a couple of beach chairs, throw on some bathing suits, make a couple of tropical cocktails, and you are as close to your toes in the sand as you can COVID-19 be.
Mini Golf: Want to play mini-golf? Then set up a course in the house. Don't have a golf ball or golf clubs? Then improvise. Use couch pillows, kid's toys, hot wheel tracks, or whatever. Then, play the course. Be flirtatiously competitive. Be goofy. Make bets. Have fun.
Fancy Dinner: Want to take your spouse to a fancy dinner? Sounds amazing. But, dinner can be a little stressful to pull off, especially if you have littles in the house. So why not do a plating of appetizers? It doesn't have to be amazing. You can each make one to share, or one person can host the date. Either way, make it fun. Turn the lights down, light some candles, and get dressed up like you are going to a fancy restaurant. Put on some soft music in the background. Eat the appetizers and just enjoy the other person. Try to learn something about your spouse you didn't know already.
Trivia Night: A couple of dates ago, my wife and I stumbled unknowingly into a Trivia Night at a local Pub/Grill. It was a happy accident. We had a blast playing together. Well, why not set up a trivia night against some other couples via video conference? Here is a great article that can give you some ideas on how to set it up.
Going to the Movies: It might sound like a cop-out. Let's face it, you are just sitting on the couch in your living room. But it can still be an excellent night for you and your significant other. Make it special by providing your spouse's favorite snacks and beverages. Pick a movie you have never seen or one you loved, but have not seen in years. Shakespeare in Love, Die Hard, Zoolander... .it really doesn't matter. Just make sure it is something you'll both enjoy (or if you are the one trying to woo your partner with an incredible night, one you know they will enjoy, that you won't hate.)
And hey, let's face it, watching a movie that is not animated or that does not feature talking animals, alone with your spouse, isn't such a bad thing. Mike Yaconelli, a youth ministry legend, used to open his National Youth Worker's Conferences by saying to Youth Pastors,
If your marriage is in trouble, maybe instead of going to a workshop on Marriage in Ministry, get a bottle of wine, rent a movie, make some popcorn, go back to your hotel room, and don't watch the movie!
There is some wisdom there.
Here are some other ideas that were submitted via my Facebook page:
Candles and Massage (submitted by some newlyweds. . . but, I don’t hate that idea)
Appetizer picnic: "We each make two appetizers with things we already have in our house, and we try to get really creative. We lay out a blanket with one of our summer tablecloths, lots of pillows, and watch a good movie."
If you have property, take a ride around it together on a golf cart or small utility vehicle. Listen to music, talk, and just relax.
Back to Getting Dressed Up
So this is just my opinion, but there is something special about getting dressed up for a date, and not letting your spouse see the process.
Remember back before you were married? There was some effort that went into getting ready to go out. And that moment of meeting at the door to pick up your date (or get picked up), well, there was some excitement there. That excitement does not have to disappear. So, whatever the date, why not try to bring some of that back? Get dressed in separate rooms. Don't let your spouse see you until you are ready to go out.
Look, I know, you might just be going to a movie in the living room. But, don't kid yourself, if you were dating and had been invited over to your girlfriend's/boyfriend's home to watch a movie, you would still have tried to look good. The same rules apply here.
With All that Said
OK, with all that said, not every at-home date has to be an “experience.” It’s ok to play a board game in your pajamas, play cards together, or just sit on the back porch, enjoying the fresh evening air while enjoying some beverages. The most important thing is that you are spending intentional time, focused on being present to your spouse. So, low key or over the top, make the time. You will not regret it.
Date Night Lives On!
I hope you are starting to get the idea. Our current captivity does not mean that date night needs to die. No! Dating lives on, even when we are trapped in our homes. With a little creativity and sense of humor, this can be an incredible time for you and your spouse. So, have fun. Take turns planning something special each week. Don't stress and Date ON!
For the Kingdom!
Chris